I’m still dealing with my breakup. I mean, of course I am.
We’ve had some… “relapses.” We’ve pretty much stayed in contact and it’s been very friendly – which makes sense because at the root of it all, we are great friends. But some of our communication has been, well, reaaaallly friendly. We’ve begun to blur the lines and while I love how it feels, I know it’s wrong and I have been left more confused than ever.
I have been pretty devastated through all this. Seeing him again and being back in contact makes me feel better. But I’ve been kidding myself. Getting just scraps of what I really want is fine for the moment, but it’s not going to last and it’s setting me up to feel even worse.
I had a moment this week where I realized I would never be to him what he is to me. And drunkenly told him this. I know he cares about me and has fun with me… but if I were enough for him, there would be no question. He would be with me. And the more I casually hang around him, the more I lose hope.
So, we’re going to take some time and space (which was kind of the original plan). And this sucks. I feel like crap. I feel hopeless. I’m back to devastated. But here’s the thing. I process things fairly quickly. I’ll admit that back when he broke things off before, I was out of my mind. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so brokenhearted. But within a week or 2 things were better. I wasn’t crying uncontrollably and I was keeping myself busy and feeling positive about the future.
Thinking about sitting at home this evening made me almost sick to my stomach. I could sit here and stew in my misery. Or I could go out and cry in my beer with a friend. Or I can just go out on my own and enjoy myself. Going for option C.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll find someone like him any time soon – or ever. I just don’t know. But I need to be ok with that. And throw all this energy into positive things… like writing… and training for my half marathon… and fostering old and new friendships.
I know many of you who read have experienced similar situations… what worked for you? Any great stories? I’d love to hear in the comments!
Blog song title: “Keep Your Head Up” by Cults