Tag Archives: relationships

Gotta keep your heads up… gotta keep your feet down…

I’m still dealing with my breakup. I mean, of course I am.

We’ve had some… “relapses.” We’ve pretty much stayed in contact and it’s been very friendly – which makes sense because at the root of it all, we are great friends. But some of our communication has been, well, reaaaallly friendly. We’ve begun to blur the lines and while I love how it feels, I know it’s wrong and I have been left more confused than ever.

I have been pretty devastated through all this. Seeing him again and being back in contact makes me feel better. But I’ve been kidding myself. Getting just scraps of what I really want is fine for the moment, but it’s not going to last and it’s setting me up to feel even worse.

I had a moment this week where I realized I would never be to him what he is to me. And drunkenly told him this. I know he cares about me and has fun with me… but if I were enough for him, there would be no question. He would be with me. And the more I casually hang around him, the more I lose hope.

So, we’re going to take some time and space (which was kind of the original plan). And this sucks. I feel like crap. I feel hopeless. I’m back to devastated. But here’s the thing. I process things fairly quickly. I’ll admit that back when he broke things off before, I was out of my mind. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so brokenhearted. But within a week or 2 things were better. I wasn’t crying uncontrollably and I was keeping myself busy and feeling positive about the future.

Thinking about sitting at home this evening made me almost sick to my stomach. I could sit here and stew in my misery. Or I could go out and cry in my beer with a friend. Or I can just go out on my own and enjoy myself. Going for option C.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll find someone like him any time soon – or ever. I just don’t know. But I need to be ok with that. And throw all this energy into positive things… like writing… and training for my half marathon… and fostering old and new friendships.

I know many of you who read have experienced similar situations… what worked for you? Any great stories? I’d love to hear in the comments!

Blog song title: “Keep Your Head Up” by Cults

When it’s over…

I got dumped last night.

We’d only been together for a few short months, but he was amazing. We were amazing. Sure, we had some troubles – nothing is perfect. But he made me happy… happier than I have been in a long time.

I’m not going to get into the details… the whys, the hows. I’ll just say that it was pretty amicable. It was less a break up and more a parting of ways. And only when I hugged him as we said goodbye did I realize it was over. That was when the tears came.

I have to tell you, walking 4 blocks down 14th Street in New York while crying is a pretty surreal feeling. Or maybe just the fact that this relationship that made me so happy was over was the surreal part. But as I walked, and cried, I had about a million thoughts go through my head.

I wasn’t angry – how could I be? He didn’t do anything bad. I was filled with regret. What could I have said? What could I have done? And then I started to think about all the things we never did together… we didn’t watch Star Wars, we didn’t play softball, we didn’t take a trip, we didn’t go dancing, we didn’t spend the whole weekend just lost in bed and each other.

Right now I’m missing this incredible person that I got to know and adore the last few months. It hasn’t been 24 hours but I miss him. I miss seeing him. I miss having drinks with him. I miss riding the subway with him and playing 2048 on my phone to make the ride go faster. I miss talking to him about baseball and New York and surfers vs. snowboarders and Taco Bell and basketball standings and Star Wars theories and female street harassment and Batman/Superman theories and music and California and writing and sex and people and dogs and whatever the fuck else we want to talk about. He’s been my favorite person to be around these past few months. And he’s the only one I want to talk to about this.

I’ve had this incredible urge to fight for him. I want to demand that he give us another chance. Neither of us did anything wrong. Our relationship wasn’t broken. He just had doubts and I have to respect that.  I’m reminded of that old “if you love someone, set them free” saying. Now I never threw the L word out there with him, but I think the concept applies here. As much as it hurts, I have to let him go.



Blog song title: That stupid Sugar Ray song… and I don’t feel like looking it up… forgive me.

I can go… with the flow…

I moved around a lot as a kid. By the time I was in 6th grade, I lived in 6 different cities. After high school I moved over 14 times, including a 3 month period of crashing on couches and floors.

You learn a lot when you move. From a young age, I learned how to adapt quickly and let go of attachments. I was always well-liked, so I never had trouble making friends but I struggled with laying roots. I was always jealous of my peers who had friendships that started at birth because most of my friendships were new and only lasted until I moved again.  And because of this, I never feel fully grounded. To this day, everything feels temporary. Relationships, apartments, jobs… nothing feels like it can last forever.

A strange side effect of this seemingly perpetual motion is that I go along with things very easily. Some may call this “being flexible.”

Most people may say that it’s a good thing to be so flexible. Though some may perceive me as high strung, I can roll with the punches. Since I have spent most of my life adapting to new situations I don’t freak out when routines change, and last minute alterations don’t faze me a bit.  But the problem is that I am never satisfied. I never get what I truly desire. I have gone along with the agendas of others for so long, that I tend to put myself last. And what’s worse is that I’m afraid to speak up for what I want for fear of sounding too needy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I never do anything I don’t want to do. I never do anything I’m uncomfortable with or that I regret. But lately I’ve grown a bit tired of just going with the flow.

Clearly a big step in fighting against this tide was my relocation to New York a couple of years ago. My complacency put me in such a state of unhappiness that I decided to shake things up. And shake things up I did. I restarted just about everything in my life. I wasn’t following anyone else’s script. I was making my own path. And this has truly made me very happy. And still does.

But then there’s the dating dilemma. I have had many guys come in and out of my life since I moved here. And it’s been fun. This is the first time I ever dated casually. However, more than once I’ve found myself falling a bit for someone and wanting more, but they didn’t want the same thing. So, I end up settling for what they want… which is really just a fraction of what I actually want.

I suppose the idea here is that I’m flexible… I can be whoever I need to be for that particular person. But I know what you’re thinking: grow a backbone and don’t settle for anything less than what you want. It’s not as easy for me. I’ve had this concept burned into my brain forever- that if I actually say what I want and fight for it that I will be seen as needy or high maintenance. I worry that if I speak up, I’ll just end up with nothing at all.

I took a big risk coming to New York. I had no job, no apartment, no friends… but I stuck to my guns and have managed to do quite well for myself here. I have new goals all the time and I’m inspired and encouraged by the city and all the wonderful people I’ve met here. I didn’t back down and settle… I went for it.

They say fortune favors the bold. If I was able to risk everything to move myself across the country, surely I can fight for what I want out of a relationship. Even if I risk losing someone I care about in the process. Easy to say, but much harder (for me) to do. Stay tuned.

Blog song title: “Go With the Flow” by Queens of the Stone Age

If you build yourself a myth, you know just what to give…

I think we’ve figured out by now that I’m a pretty honest person. The problem is that other people aren’t very honest.

This is a frustrating phenomenon in my world these days. Particularly when it comes to dating. I dated someone a while back who used to say really great things to me… sweet things… things that made me feel special… things I hadn’t heard from a guy in a long time. The problem is that when things went south, I mentioned those things he said. I wondered how we seemed to connect but then it faded so fast. He said, and I kid you not, that he said those things to me because that’s what he thought I wanted to hear.

Just last weekend I was talking to one of my guy friends about this. He said he tells girls what he thinks they want to hear all the time. And of course, I flew into a mini-rage.

What makes this ok?

Here’s what these things do (at least to me, I can’t speak for everyone)… they create expectations where expectations didn’t previously exist. I was perfectly happy just hanging out with this guy and going on random dates. But when he started saying wonderful things to me, I began to see possibility. It wasn’t the first thing on my mind but then a seed was planted.

I have an analogy about this. Bear with me.

I’m a bunny. I’m a happy, little bunny just living a happy, bunny life. I meet a nice human. I enjoy the human. The human gives me some attention and I give the human my attention back. It’s a nice and simple exchange. But then, what’s this? The human pulls out a carrot. Well, I was fine with the human attention but now there’s a CARROT in the mix. I didn’t even know that carrots existed. And oh man, now I WANT THAT CARROT. But the human is just holding it there, not actually letting me have it. I wouldn’t have been totally fine just having that simple bunny-human connection but now I know that carrots exist and the human has them and he’s just dangling them because… I don’t know. And now I’m confused.

I can’t seem to get a straight answer from my gentleman friends. One said that he’d say anything to a girl to sleep with her. I said that I’ve heard these types of things outside the context of sex (like, one time a guy said something totally perfect as we were walking down the street as he smiled and then held my hand – what the fuck). Another said that he felt things in the moment but then they faded. OK, so hold your damn tongue. I mean, I have been around guys and want to say how I feel, but I hold back because it’s not appropriate at that particular stage of the relationship. If the tables were turned, and I said some of the things that have been said to me, I would be seen as clingy and desperate. So why is it ok for guys to say these things?

I always talk about the importance of words; the weight they can carry. I don’t take things lightly… because I don’t say or do things lightly. I do things with purpose and meaning. So, I guess I expect the same in return. This type of thing has made dating really hard for me. I tend to keep guys at arm’s length, but the second they dangle that carrot, I fall. It doesn’t happen often and maybe that’s why I fall so easily, but either way it sucks.

So, gentlemen, please give me your input. Have you ever found yourself saying fairly serious things to a girl without the intention of actually being serious with her? If you have, were you aware of the implications of what you said? How did you deal with the aftermath (assuming there was any)? I am asking honestly because I really, really want to know.

Blog song title: “Myth” by Beach House

Lucky ones are we ’til it’s over…

I don’t want to get married.

I’m not in a relationship at the moment… not even seeing someone… this is just a general statement. And it doesn’t come from a bitter “I’m single” place either. I never want to get married… and I’m pretty sure I never wanted to.

This isn’t because I don’t believe in love. I totally believe in love. I’ve been in love. But I just don’t know if I believe in the lasting power of marriage. Or relationships. Yeah, here’s where I start sounding bitter. But here’s the thing, I really don’t feel bitter. I just feel realistic. For me.

Recently, I had a conversation with a couple of friends about relationships and dating and someone misunderstood me when I talked about what I wanted (this seems to happen to me frequently). If I really sat and thought about spending all of my time with one person, it sounds fine… to a point… but it’s been my experience that feelings fade and change and shift… and it’s heartbreaking for one or both parties. Yes, I know that sounds pessimistic. So here’s what I told them I was looking for: I want someone who wants me.

I mean, who doesn’t want to be chosen? Who doesn’t want to be wanted? It’s a great feeling. Out of all the people in the world, someone is choosing YOU to spend their time with. Sounds fantastic. Beyond that, I don’t know what I want. Isn’t it enough to feel “chosen?”

Sure, the idea of someone choosing me forever sounds romantic enough… but I don’t know how I feel about that… because conversely, I don’t know if I could choose someone else for forever. And that’s really what this all boils down to… that I don’t think I’m capable of the long term. Sure, I can easily get caught up in my own feelings… but eventually, my intellect takes over and I come back down to earth.

And besides, why is this something I have to want? Why do I have to play by the RomCom rules? Why can’t I feel the way I want to feel without others inserting their incorrect opinions where they don’t belong?

(Side note: If there’s one thing I absolutely hate in this world, it’s someone telling me what I’m feeling… even if it comes from a good place. I’m sorry, but since when were you a mind reader? It just reinforces the idea that, while I may seem like an open book, there are very few people on this planet that know the real me.)

Look, I’m still open to possibility. I don’t look at every guy as the potential be-all and end-all of relationships… and nobody wants to get hurt (with every wound, I close off just a bit more)… but I am still open… I just don’t feel the need to want what others tell me I should want.

And right now, I don’t want to get married.

Blog song title: ” Marry Song” by Band of Horses

You don’t want to be alone…

Hey girl… I promise to always keep my shirt off…

Welp, I’m hanging up the online dating hat.

After too many unsuccessful dates, I’ve decided it’s just not for me. I can’t do the “get to know all about you before I meet you in person” thing. It’s just too weird for me. I know it works for lots of people… I’m just not one of them.

I’m definitely better in person. I’m really best when I have friends around. A friend of mine just told me that the reason he hit it off with someone (who I introduced him to – with no intention of setting them up) was because I was there and he was just being his total authentic self. I’m totally the same way.

I know I’ve said how I’m not sure what I want right now… and that’s still mostly true… but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to have somebody in my life. I think it’s total human nature to want to share yourself with someone. While I still can’t say specifically what I’m looking for, I know that I miss being close to someone. (And no, sex doesn’t even factor in here… that’s the easy part… it’s everything else that is presenting a challenge).

So here’s my problem… and I’m going to say the thing women are never supposed to say… I’m desperate for that closeness. And it shows. Any and every single guy I come into contact with becomes potential boyfriend material. And I don’t know how to make that stop. I find myself being inauthentic -saying stupid things or worse, TEXTING stupid things (I should not be allowed to have a phone). And I hate it.

But then when I really think about it I start to wonder whether or not those guys actually are RIGHT for me in the first place. I don’t know why but I seem to have this “last man on earth” mentality going. Why do I need to assume that every guy is a possibility?

Because I’ve been trained to. That whole idea of “you never know” is making me a little over anxious. If I never take a chance I’ll never know… right? Well, why do I keep feeling compelled to take a chance with EVERYONE?! All it’s doing is making me feel stupid and defeated. And once again, I’m not entirely sure what I want… so it doesn’t even make sense to feel this way- to want something just for the sake of having something.

Look, I know I’m awesome. I know I have a lot to give. But for some reason I can’t help but turn into a spastic and annoying freak when it comes to guys. I just need to stop focusing my energy on finding one (so hard when there are so many cute ones out there). I need to go out, have fun, enjoy the company of others, be my authentic self… and stay away from my phone.

Photo credit: thestuddedtruth.wordpress.com (I realize this photo has nothing to do with the topic of my blog… but man, do I like looking at it… and by “it” I mean Ryan Gosling, shirtless)
Title song: “What You Want” by Two Door Cinema Club

Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places… (part 1)

Dating has always been a foreign concept to me. It has never felt normal or natural. I always had crushes on friends and was lucky (or unlucky) enough to turn a couple of those friend crushes into relationships. But I’ve been single for quite a long time now. And I’m thinking that maybe I don’t want to be anymore.

People keep saying that I need to “put myself out there” in order to find someone. Well, dating is “putting myself out there” and I hate dating. So where does one find a date in this day and age? Apparently online. So yes, I’ve turned to the world of online dating. After much stubbornness (duh, it’s me we’re talking about here), I signed up for one of the free sites (which will remain nameless for now – though some of you already know which one). Apparently it’s a major hook up site, but more on that later.

I figured this would be a good way to flex the dating muscle, so to speak. Go out on dates and figure out what I like and what I don’t like. Through this medium I can conduct searches with my exact specifications and see what (or rather who) comes up. Which I’ve found actually makes me way pickier than I should be. But it’s good to be able to search for the things I know for sure I don’t want (guys who want kids, guys who have cats, guys who don’t like dogs, etc.).

The problem is that I really don’t know what I’m looking for. Do I want to get married? I know I don’t want kids… not sure how I feel about marriage.  I have no idea. I do know that sometimes I hear a song that makes me want to hold someone’s hand. Or I’ll see a couple on a bench in the park and it’s like they’re the only two people in the world… having that wouldn’t suck.

So I’m out there… and so far it’s been a little frustrating… but I’m still making the effort. Sometimes I have to force myself to go out with people I wouldn’t otherwise be interested in (again, trying to figure out what I want also means finding out what I don’t want). Usually I get a drink (or even a meal – BONUS) out of it. Sometimes I get less than that. A lot less.

Anyway, I could seriously create a whole blog just on my experiences with this site… but I don’t have quite enough material for it yet… and knowing me, the second I start the other blog, I’d meet the man of my dreams and have to stop (ok, so that’s probably a bonus for the separate blog). SO, I’ll just post the stories here… after all this blog is about me and my life… and dating is a part of that. Just a warning though… some stories are NOT safe for some audiences. I’ll try to give a head’s up, but yeah… adult themes will be present. Stay tuned for my adventures in frog kissing…

Photo credit: http://www.stylemagazine.com
Blog title song: “Lookin’ for Love” by Johnny Lee

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