Tag Archives: Men

If you build yourself a myth, you know just what to give…

I think we’ve figured out by now that I’m a pretty honest person. The problem is that other people aren’t very honest.

This is a frustrating phenomenon in my world these days. Particularly when it comes to dating. I dated someone a while back who used to say really great things to me… sweet things… things that made me feel special… things I hadn’t heard from a guy in a long time. The problem is that when things went south, I mentioned those things he said. I wondered how we seemed to connect but then it faded so fast. He said, and I kid you not, that he said those things to me because that’s what he thought I wanted to hear.

Just last weekend I was talking to one of my guy friends about this. He said he tells girls what he thinks they want to hear all the time. And of course, I flew into a mini-rage.

What makes this ok?

Here’s what these things do (at least to me, I can’t speak for everyone)… they create expectations where expectations didn’t previously exist. I was perfectly happy just hanging out with this guy and going on random dates. But when he started saying wonderful things to me, I began to see possibility. It wasn’t the first thing on my mind but then a seed was planted.

I have an analogy about this. Bear with me.

I’m a bunny. I’m a happy, little bunny just living a happy, bunny life. I meet a nice human. I enjoy the human. The human gives me some attention and I give the human my attention back. It’s a nice and simple exchange. But then, what’s this? The human pulls out a carrot. Well, I was fine with the human attention but now there’s a CARROT in the mix. I didn’t even know that carrots existed. And oh man, now I WANT THAT CARROT. But the human is just holding it there, not actually letting me have it. I wouldn’t have been totally fine just having that simple bunny-human connection but now I know that carrots exist and the human has them and he’s just dangling them because… I don’t know. And now I’m confused.

I can’t seem to get a straight answer from my gentleman friends. One said that he’d say anything to a girl to sleep with her. I said that I’ve heard these types of things outside the context of sex (like, one time a guy said something totally perfect as we were walking down the street as he smiled and then held my hand – what the fuck). Another said that he felt things in the moment but then they faded. OK, so hold your damn tongue. I mean, I have been around guys and want to say how I feel, but I hold back because it’s not appropriate at that particular stage of the relationship. If the tables were turned, and I said some of the things that have been said to me, I would be seen as clingy and desperate. So why is it ok for guys to say these things?

I always talk about the importance of words; the weight they can carry. I don’t take things lightly… because I don’t say or do things lightly. I do things with purpose and meaning. So, I guess I expect the same in return. This type of thing has made dating really hard for me. I tend to keep guys at arm’s length, but the second they dangle that carrot, I fall. It doesn’t happen often and maybe that’s why I fall so easily, but either way it sucks.

So, gentlemen, please give me your input. Have you ever found yourself saying fairly serious things to a girl without the intention of actually being serious with her? If you have, were you aware of the implications of what you said? How did you deal with the aftermath (assuming there was any)? I am asking honestly because I really, really want to know.

Blog song title: “Myth” by Beach House


I’d like to think I’m the mess you’d wear with pride…

I mentioned previously that I think I know what I want when it comes to dating. I say that I think I know because it changes a bit day to day. Overall, I know I want a connection… I want to be close to someone and I want someone to be close to me. Being ready for this, however, is a whole different story.

A few weeks back I met a guy on the street… literally. His name was Mike and he was drunk and adorable and aggressively (in a cute way) hitting on me. I gave him my number and headed home. He texted me immediately and wanted to see me. He was in town for the weekend (from California- ha) so I said what the hell. He came over and we started fooling around. Mid-makeout he stopped and asked me if I believed in love. It was asked out of pure curiosity… but I couldn’t help but be thrown. Suddenly I found myself choking back tears. I really didn’t know what to say. Love has evaded me for quite some time and I felt my pessimism creeping in at this moment. He saw this and declared that believing in love is the most important thing. We ended up laying there and having a really fantastic and honest talk about love.

As I walked him to the train, I told him how glad I was that I met him. He returned the sentiment and asked if we could stay in touch. And we have- just sending encouraging text messages to each other from time to time. It’s nice to have someone out there in the universe who is rooting for me to root for love.

Also, throughout this process (the process being me moving on from a broken heart and figuring out what I want) I met someone through a friend who has been a surprising and positive force in my life. We’ve only hung out a couple of times, but he’s had quite the impact on me. He’s always building me up and reminding me that I’m an interesting person. He encourages me… not just to find love, but also to make something of this writing thing. The last time I saw him, I made sure to tell him how grateful I was for his friendship.

For some reason, when I think about these people and their kindnesses… I get a bit misty. I’d like to think that the love coming my way is so wonderful that I’m overwhelmed with emotion… but it’s more that I feel uncomfortable and somehow undeserving of this positivity. It’s strange- I’m a pretty confident gal. I know what I have to offer… and yet, I’ve gotten into a habit of finding men who are only interested in one thing (what am I? 16?)… so when I’m around these guys who genuinely care about what I have to say, I’m a bit out of my element. Like, oh yeah… remember how awesome I am? Well, other people are seeing it too…

Look, I know I’m a damn mess… and having these guys in my life is not just a reminder to me that there are actually good guys in the world… but that I’m worth all the love they are willing to give.

 

Blog song title: “I Go to the Barn Because I Like The” by Band of Horses


Let it go… I’m wide awake…

I recently made a big step in my romantic life. It may not be a big deal to any of you, but to me, it was giant and cathartic: I deleted someone’s number from my phone.

I’m not going to get into the whole story here – I’m tired of giving power to the situation (and consequently, him). But needless to say, I had a bad case of feels for this boy. Reader’s Digest version: he came on strong at the start, I went with the flow but then fell harder than I intended, he left the country, he let things linger, he came back with a girlfriend, he continued to sleep with me (and at times even acted like we were dating), he accused me of wanting more, he said super shitty things, we didn’t talk for weeks and then we met for drinks and I realized I was completely over him. This all started last December and it ended in May.

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You said it, Sister.

I’m not sure how I got so hung up on him after all of this, but I couldn’t put him totally out of my mind. My ego was bruised… I was rejected… even if I didn’t want him anymore I still wanted to be the one that was picked. I wanted to win. So when I saw him for what ended up being the last time I was relieved that I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Despite the protests from friends, I decided it would be ok to remain friendly with him. And this point I really must stress… the last time we got drinks (early May) I seriously felt nothing for him. I didn’t even think he was cute anymore. No joke.

So when I called him to grab lunch one day a couple of weeks later and he bailed last minute I gave him a bit of shit… as I would do to any friend. He copped quite the attitude (I literally laughed out loud at a couple of the things he said because it came totally out of left field)… things escalated (all via text) and he ended up “dumping” me as a friend- said some more super shitty things and then blocked me on Facebook… like a grown up.

This irked me in a way I wasn’t really prepared for. It’s one thing to tell me I wasn’t his type (true story)… but to cut me out like that just felt like an overreaction… and an unnecessary one at that. It was hurtful. For a couple of weeks I vacillated between a few different emotions: relieved, angry, frustrated, vengeful, regretful, elated. But for some reason, I kept his number in my phone… I have no idea why. It was one thing for him to not want to date me – that I can get over easily – but to not want to be my friend anymore? It felt not ok.

And then I had a moment of weakness. I sent him a random late night (drunk) text. It was pretty innocuous… but I did it. And I was very angry with myself.

From the time where we weren’t talking until the recent present, there have been a slew of men in my life. Some a lot more casual than others… I was following the oh-so-wise “Sex and the City” advice of “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” Not the healthiest behavior… but in the process I’ve met some great guys and have been reminded that they aren’t all emotionally retarded sociopathic piss-ants. And while I’ve had a lot of fun, I’m still not satisfied in the romance department.

For a while now I’ve been lying to myself about what I want. Being able to “get” a bunch of guys can be empowering, but after a time it’s just frustrating and I’m left wanting more. And now that I know I want more, I’m not sure how ready I am to have it…  but a major step in that direction is letting go of the past. So with one of my friends, at the 14th Street subway station, I unceremoniously deleted the contact info of the boy who had caused me unnecessary heartache and stress for far too long. I won’t say I felt better instantly, but it was definitely a relief.

The good news is that since I deleted him, I haven’t been so focused on finding more notches for my bedpost. I am now more concerned with quality over quantity. Whether or not I’m ready to receive the quality… well, that’s a whole other blog post. For now, I’m just focusing on me (oh therapy, you are awesome/awful) and surrounding myself with positive people (especially positive MEN)… and learning to put my phone down after I’ve had a couple of drinks.

Blog song title: “Bad” by U2 (yes, I am going back to the song titles… it’s my thing and I like it)
Photo Credit: Someecards.com


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