I think we’ve figured out by now that I’m a pretty honest person. The problem is that other people aren’t very honest.
This is a frustrating phenomenon in my world these days. Particularly when it comes to dating. I dated someone a while back who used to say really great things to me… sweet things… things that made me feel special… things I hadn’t heard from a guy in a long time. The problem is that when things went south, I mentioned those things he said. I wondered how we seemed to connect but then it faded so fast. He said, and I kid you not, that he said those things to me because that’s what he thought I wanted to hear.
Just last weekend I was talking to one of my guy friends about this. He said he tells girls what he thinks they want to hear all the time. And of course, I flew into a mini-rage.
What makes this ok?
Here’s what these things do (at least to me, I can’t speak for everyone)… they create expectations where expectations didn’t previously exist. I was perfectly happy just hanging out with this guy and going on random dates. But when he started saying wonderful things to me, I began to see possibility. It wasn’t the first thing on my mind but then a seed was planted.
I have an analogy about this. Bear with me.
I’m a bunny. I’m a happy, little bunny just living a happy, bunny life. I meet a nice human. I enjoy the human. The human gives me some attention and I give the human my attention back. It’s a nice and simple exchange. But then, what’s this? The human pulls out a carrot. Well, I was fine with the human attention but now there’s a CARROT in the mix. I didn’t even know that carrots existed. And oh man, now I WANT THAT CARROT. But the human is just holding it there, not actually letting me have it. I wouldn’t have been totally fine just having that simple bunny-human connection but now I know that carrots exist and the human has them and he’s just dangling them because… I don’t know. And now I’m confused.
I can’t seem to get a straight answer from my gentleman friends. One said that he’d say anything to a girl to sleep with her. I said that I’ve heard these types of things outside the context of sex (like, one time a guy said something totally perfect as we were walking down the street as he smiled and then held my hand – what the fuck). Another said that he felt things in the moment but then they faded. OK, so hold your damn tongue. I mean, I have been around guys and want to say how I feel, but I hold back because it’s not appropriate at that particular stage of the relationship. If the tables were turned, and I said some of the things that have been said to me, I would be seen as clingy and desperate. So why is it ok for guys to say these things?
I always talk about the importance of words; the weight they can carry. I don’t take things lightly… because I don’t say or do things lightly. I do things with purpose and meaning. So, I guess I expect the same in return. This type of thing has made dating really hard for me. I tend to keep guys at arm’s length, but the second they dangle that carrot, I fall. It doesn’t happen often and maybe that’s why I fall so easily, but either way it sucks.
So, gentlemen, please give me your input. Have you ever found yourself saying fairly serious things to a girl without the intention of actually being serious with her? If you have, were you aware of the implications of what you said? How did you deal with the aftermath (assuming there was any)? I am asking honestly because I really, really want to know.
Blog song title: “Myth” by Beach House