Tag Archives: high school

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad… [Part 2]

And another preface… I had really intended to express how teaching made me feel… but it’s difficult to put into words. Being a teacher was a surreal and incredible experience. I know the more I reflect, the more I could say. 2007-2011 were 4 profoundly important years for me, professionally… and the students who were a part of those 4 years are forever in my heart… I guess that’s all I can say about THAT for now.

My life has changed so much in the past couple of years that sometimes I find myself thinking, “Oh yeah, I used to be a TEACHER.”

I don’t know if I can explain the exact path that brought me to the classroom. I do know that when I found myself on the campus of my alma mater in 2005, I felt safe and at home. So I worked towards the goal of teaching high school English…

More than once during my first year of teaching, I found myself totally caught off guard and in over my head. But as with all things, it got easier and easier. And my saving grace was always, and perhaps surprisingly, my students. They challenged me and kept me on my toes… and more importantly, I knew I was actually doing something good. I was, in my very tiny way, affecting change.

However, as with most jobs, when your personal life suffers, it can be difficult to hide. And I didn’t believe in keeping anything from my students. Not that I was telling them all the details of my life, but I got increasingly irritable and apathetic in the classroom. I looked forward to my time with them, because they were keeping me entertained… but my life had stagnated and I needed to shake things up.

Moving to New York was about starting over. I was unhappy in California and working a very stressful job didn’t help. I didn’t want to become a bitter spinster-type teacher… and I really felt myself starting down that path. I had developed such a special relationship with my school and my students that I couldn’t see myself teaching in a different environment. So when I got to NY, I didn’t look for teaching jobs.

But now that I’m once again in that familiar world of the Job Hunt, I find myself gravitating back to education. Yes, the time off is a huge factor… but also, it’s a world I know well and a world where I knew what I was doing. I do have a passion for teaching… if I didn’t, would I still be in touch with countless students via Facebook? Would I still be willing to edit college admission essays? Would I still be willing to answer last minute grammar questions? Would I still accept phone calls and texts with questions on how to talk to college professors? Would I still be willing to offer words of support to those struggling with the remaining days of school?

So that’s where the Job Hunt is now centered. Am I ready for all the work? Probably not. Am I ready to handle NYC teenagers? Definitely not. But it’s an adventure I’m willing to take on…

Blog song title: “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen

See your face every place that I walk in…

When I was in high school, I always had a crush on someone. Someone I could daydream about when class was boring. Someone who, when I would see unexpectedly in the halls, would send my heart racing. Someone who would render me speechless if he ever bothered to give me the time of day. Crushes in high school were unattainable -typically older and unequivocally gorgeous. I never wanted to actually date any of my crushes. That would have taken away the fun. Liking someone from afar without actually having to do anything… it’s a no pressure situation. They were consistent… reliable even… and always fun to have.

Crushes are not as common as I get older. Maybe it’s because I’m jaded by failed relationships or by the rigors of dating… or maybe it’s because as I get older I’m more inclined to go after what I want rather than participate such a passive activity as a willingly unrequited crush. That’s why when I do actually get a crush on someone, it’s borderline exhilarating… and typically something I act on.

I’ve had a couple of crushes recently. One is a work crush. I should be grateful to this work crush… because of him I drink a lot of water (he sits near the water cooler). And yes, I blush and get a bit flustered whenever he talks to me. Everyone should have a work crush. It’s silly… and all in good fun. Something to brighten your day when your job sucks.

The other crush threw me for a loop and put me on cloud nine for a while. This was someone I would see pretty much on a weekly basis at the bar where my alumni group watched our football games. I thought he was adorable the first time I saw him but was discouraged from getting my claws in him so as not to make things awkward for the rest of the football season (I was a bit predatory around that time). So it was relegated to a passive crush… I looked forward to seeing him at the games and attempting to flirt with him… and that was it.

But when I had an opportunity to hang out with him outside of our normal parameters, I ended up acting on the crush… and it was awesome. There is a whole lot more to that story… but I’m not sure I want to tell it here. What I will say is that heart racing feeling – that unmistakable crush feeling – never waned when I was with him. It was certainly thrilling… and a nice reminder on how awesome crushes are. Even after high school.

I do love a good crush… it’s fun to be excited about another person… but of course, they don’t call them crushes for nothing… the highs are fantastic, but the lows are… well, crushing. I guess the hope is that the juice is worth the squeeze… even if the juice is only enjoyed for a moment.


Blog title song: “#1 Crush” by Garbage (and yes, I still have a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio)



Behind every desire is another one waiting to be liberated when the first one is sated…

I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty self-aware person. And while I know I bring the crazy sometimes, I usually have a pretty good grasp on why. Just because I’m self-aware doesn’t mean I can always control my emotions…

Anyway, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve written – from Facebook posts, to Tweets, to this blog – you know I’m a big fan of the ellipses. See above, ahem. I can’t really pinpoint when this phenomenon started (very likely with my first major foray into social media, the Myspace), but I know that it’s been a punctuational mainstay ever since. I typically feel that the use of the ellipses more closely mirrors the way I talk (and if you’ve heard me talk, you know this blog is pretty damn close to the way I speak)… but I’ve recently had an epiphany: the ellipses reflect my lack of commitment…

Yeah, I know, it’s a big leap. BUT… think about it. If I end a sentence with an ellipses, I’m not committing to an end; I’m letting my statement just fade out. It gives me an opportunity to say what I want without that sense of finality. OK, crazy person, how- or more importantly why – did you make that connection? Well, it may have something to do with the fact that my life is in a state of flux… yet again.

My current temporary position ends on January 31 so I’m looking for a source of income starting right as that ends. I have been on one interview with another in the works. The first interviewer was concerned that I wouldn’t have the staying power that she’s looking for. She wants someone to commit for at least a year. The second job wants someone that will likely stick around for three. And suddenly I feel like the cliche male from a romantic comedy… someone starts mentioning long term to me and I FREAK OUT. Suddenly I’m feeling stifled.

My longest job was teaching… for four years. The longest I ever lived in any one place was when I was in high school… I lived in that house from 6th-12th grades. Before that, and since then, I have not stayed anywhere for too long (two and a half years is my current record). My longest functional relationship? Three years. My longest dysfunctional relationship? Four-ish years. The only thing, aside from my family, that I’ve been able to commit to for the long term is Walter Matthau, my dog… we’re going on six years in May. And as much as I love that friggin’ dog, I sometimes think about what I could do if I didn’t have him (oh, the apartments that would be available to me).

I abhor the idea of getting a job that will last a few years. I can’t fathom staying in my apartment for more than a few more months. And as far as guys go… well, it’s a lot easier when they don’t stick around for too long either. I take a strange comfort in temporary. Sticking to one thing for years and years and years (or worse, forever)… seriously gives me the willies.

I’ve never had roots anywhere. I’m always fascinated by people who have childhood friends or whose parents still live in the house where they grew up… or whose parents are still married. And I’m not saying this to elicit some kind of sympathy from you, Dear Reader. I’ve had all my life to accept this… and accept it, I do.

But I think this means I’m always going to be looking… for anything… for everything… and you know, I really don’t think I’ll ever find what I’m looking for… nor do I really want to… I just want to have fun doing it… DOT DOT DOT

Blog song title: “Weightless” by Nada Surf

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