Tag Archives: College

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad… [Part 2]

And another preface… I had really intended to express how teaching made me feel… but it’s difficult to put into words. Being a teacher was a surreal and incredible experience. I know the more I reflect, the more I could say. 2007-2011 were 4 profoundly important years for me, professionally… and the students who were a part of those 4 years are forever in my heart… I guess that’s all I can say about THAT for now.

My life has changed so much in the past couple of years that sometimes I find myself thinking, “Oh yeah, I used to be a TEACHER.”

I don’t know if I can explain the exact path that brought me to the classroom. I do know that when I found myself on the campus of my alma mater in 2005, I felt safe and at home. So I worked towards the goal of teaching high school English…

More than once during my first year of teaching, I found myself totally caught off guard and in over my head. But as with all things, it got easier and easier. And my saving grace was always, and perhaps surprisingly, my students. They challenged me and kept me on my toes… and more importantly, I knew I was actually doing something good. I was, in my very tiny way, affecting change.

However, as with most jobs, when your personal life suffers, it can be difficult to hide. And I didn’t believe in keeping anything from my students. Not that I was telling them all the details of my life, but I got increasingly irritable and apathetic in the classroom. I looked forward to my time with them, because they were keeping me entertained… but my life had stagnated and I needed to shake things up.

Moving to New York was about starting over. I was unhappy in California and working a very stressful job didn’t help. I didn’t want to become a bitter spinster-type teacher… and I really felt myself starting down that path. I had developed such a special relationship with my school and my students that I couldn’t see myself teaching in a different environment. So when I got to NY, I didn’t look for teaching jobs.

But now that I’m once again in that familiar world of the Job Hunt, I find myself gravitating back to education. Yes, the time off is a huge factor… but also, it’s a world I know well and a world where I knew what I was doing. I do have a passion for teaching… if I didn’t, would I still be in touch with countless students via Facebook? Would I still be willing to edit college admission essays? Would I still be willing to answer last minute grammar questions? Would I still accept phone calls and texts with questions on how to talk to college professors? Would I still be willing to offer words of support to those struggling with the remaining days of school?

So that’s where the Job Hunt is now centered. Am I ready for all the work? Probably not. Am I ready to handle NYC teenagers? Definitely not. But it’s an adventure I’m willing to take on…

Blog song title: “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen

I really want to go out…

I’ve spent the majority of my life doing what I think I’m supposed to do. Go to college, get a job, get a career, pay the bills (anyone else hearing Renton’s speech from Trainspotting here?)… But did I actually WANT to do any of that?

While my relocation to NYC was largely about me grabbing life by the balls, I still find myself unsatisfied in a way I am just now figuring out. Here I am, for example, sitting at “work” and desperately combing the internet for something interesting to read. And every second that passes is wasted…

I wouldn’t say I am afraid of dying (yes, it just went there)… it’s not something that haunts my thoughts every day. But, obviously, I don’t want to shuffle off this mortal coil without having accomplished a few things. I keep seeing stories on Facebook of old classmates who have passed away suddenly, or of people whose parents have died in their sleep, or calls for prayers for friends with cancer or other terrible afflictions. All constant reminders that LIFE IS CRAZY FUCKING SHORT.

I have a friend who is currently out travelling and before he left we had a conversation where I expressed this idea (on a very surface level)… and he very simply said something to the effect of, “all the more reason to go do these things you want to do.” It was simple and to the point… and for some reason, that conversation hasn’t left my brain. For a smart person, I can be really stupid about a lot of things (see any of my previous posts about boys)… and while I say I want to live my life to the fullest, I’m not sure I’ve really understood what that means until recently. And I really have this friend to thank for somehow getting it to sink in.

I know what I don’t want… I don’t want marriage/kids/house/soul-sucking career. These are not the things I strive for or that will make me feel fulfilled in life. So what do I want? I want to go everywhere. Seriously. I want to meet people. I want to speak languages. I want to eat food. I want to laugh and learn and walk and see and DO. And I always have… but now I’m actually feeling the pressure to GO.

I used to think my wanderlust stemmed from the fact that I moved around a lot as a kid and I never felt fully grounded anywhere. But maybe it’s a result of never feeling satisfied in general… New York is great for this because there is so much to see and do here… but it’s not enough. I could get hit by a cab on my way home to work and I will have never been to Europe… or Asia… or Africa… or South America… or Australia…

The wheels are spinning… my brain is on overdrive… ideas are forming… I’m not going to say what I have in mind because I really don’t want anyone pissing on my cornflakes. But I’m getting out sooner than later… I’m not going to put this off.

Blog title song: “Go Outside” by Cults

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