Tag Archives: change

I can go… with the flow…

I moved around a lot as a kid. By the time I was in 6th grade, I lived in 6 different cities. After high school I moved over 14 times, including a 3 month period of crashing on couches and floors.

You learn a lot when you move. From a young age, I learned how to adapt quickly and let go of attachments. I was always well-liked, so I never had trouble making friends but I struggled with laying roots. I was always jealous of my peers who had friendships that started at birth because most of my friendships were new and only lasted until I moved again.  And because of this, I never feel fully grounded. To this day, everything feels temporary. Relationships, apartments, jobs… nothing feels like it can last forever.

A strange side effect of this seemingly perpetual motion is that I go along with things very easily. Some may call this “being flexible.”

Most people may say that it’s a good thing to be so flexible. Though some may perceive me as high strung, I can roll with the punches. Since I have spent most of my life adapting to new situations I don’t freak out when routines change, and last minute alterations don’t faze me a bit.  But the problem is that I am never satisfied. I never get what I truly desire. I have gone along with the agendas of others for so long, that I tend to put myself last. And what’s worse is that I’m afraid to speak up for what I want for fear of sounding too needy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I never do anything I don’t want to do. I never do anything I’m uncomfortable with or that I regret. But lately I’ve grown a bit tired of just going with the flow.

Clearly a big step in fighting against this tide was my relocation to New York a couple of years ago. My complacency put me in such a state of unhappiness that I decided to shake things up. And shake things up I did. I restarted just about everything in my life. I wasn’t following anyone else’s script. I was making my own path. And this has truly made me very happy. And still does.

But then there’s the dating dilemma. I have had many guys come in and out of my life since I moved here. And it’s been fun. This is the first time I ever dated casually. However, more than once I’ve found myself falling a bit for someone and wanting more, but they didn’t want the same thing. So, I end up settling for what they want… which is really just a fraction of what I actually want.

I suppose the idea here is that I’m flexible… I can be whoever I need to be for that particular person. But I know what you’re thinking: grow a backbone and don’t settle for anything less than what you want. It’s not as easy for me. I’ve had this concept burned into my brain forever- that if I actually say what I want and fight for it that I will be seen as needy or high maintenance. I worry that if I speak up, I’ll just end up with nothing at all.

I took a big risk coming to New York. I had no job, no apartment, no friends… but I stuck to my guns and have managed to do quite well for myself here. I have new goals all the time and I’m inspired and encouraged by the city and all the wonderful people I’ve met here. I didn’t back down and settle… I went for it.

They say fortune favors the bold. If I was able to risk everything to move myself across the country, surely I can fight for what I want out of a relationship. Even if I risk losing someone I care about in the process. Easy to say, but much harder (for me) to do. Stay tuned.

Blog song title: “Go With the Flow” by Queens of the Stone Age


Stand in the mirror… you look the same…

Many people have been asking me about my travels… which now seem more distant than ever. I’ve been back for two months and haven’t quite gotten around to really discussing or writing about what I gained from my trip. But I’ve realized something recently.

I met some amazing people from all over the world… seriously… everywhere. Every continent except for Antarctica was represented. And I spent time in some amazing cities. But when my plane touched down in New York City, I was so happy to be home.

When I first came to New York, I was desperate for some new experiences. I needed them. I needed change… so much change. I needed things to be different from what they were before. And they were… almost instantly.

But then I seemed to fall into a rut. Same people, same places, same drama. I had always wanted to travel and for most of my young adult life, I put it off. The timing of my trip this year was perfect without me even realizing it. I needed to step away from my life here. And I did. And it was, as I mentioned earlier, amazing.

So now that I’m back and have had adequate time to think about what the trip meant to me, I just keep thinking how grateful I am to be here in New York. However, things are different. Some of my friendships have fallen to the wayside and some have become stronger. Some of the things I used to do are not as interesting to me anymore. And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

OK… so this is my main takeaway: I need to stay dynamic. I used to find comfort (complacency?) in routine, but now it makes me anxious and frustrated. For example, lately I’ve been “cheating” on my alumni group with another school. Is it because my new (and very dearest) friend is involved? Sure. Is it because I have a little crush on a boy in the group? A bit. But mainly it’s because it’s different. New people, new environment. It’s refreshing.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love and appreciate all of the people and experiences I’ve had over the past 2 years here in New York. But my trip reminded me why I’m here. I need to continue to branch out… to meet new people and to seek out new experiences… to keep things shaken up.

Do I have more to say about my travels? Sure. But some of my stories/lessons are going to come out in other ways… stay tuned.

Blog title song: “Home” by Foo Fighters


Freedom comes when you learn to let go…

That’s right… something I’ve wanted forever is finally happening: I’m going to Europe. I’m leaving in just a couple of days for Berlin… I’ll be gone 25 days and the full itinerary has yet to be determined.

I’m not sure I even have the words to express how happy I am. Not only have I wanted this for EVER, but the timing is pretty perfect. This year has been interesting… to say the least.  Lots of dating battle wounds that need time and space to heal… and lots of life and career questions that need time and space for reflection.

I can’t promise that I will write about all my adventures (already got a little lecture from my mom about oversharing)… but I will do my best to reflect and share what I’m going through.

I feel that there are some fantastic changes abound… and I can’t wait.

Lets-Go2

Blog song title: “Power of Goodbye” by Madonna (yeah, I know what you’re thinking… but that’s a good damn line)


Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad… [Part 1]

First I must preface this by saying that I am super hopped up on cold meds… so if I say anything crazy nuts or, worse, make egregious spelling or grammatical errors… please forgive me.

I mentioned previously that my job may be ending sooner than expected. This is the life of working on a temporary basis. My current position has me basically picking up slack until they can hire someone else (for a position I am not qualified for… obviously I have already thought about throwing my hat in that ring… unfortunately, it’s a no-go). They are already interviewing and I could be out on my ass in a matter of a couple of weeks. Maybe.

So I’m back in that uncomfortably familiar realm of figuring out my next move. It’s really hard to look for a job when you don’t know what you want to do with your life. Temp work makes sense because it’s non-committal and easy and pays pretty well. But it gets old. Temp jobs are the one night stands of employment. Fun at first, but after a few you need something a bit more substantial.

ce3fc752c823291b732f1a618c7c240e17

Amirite?

In thinking about what I want to do… I have come up with some points… I want to travel (so I need the means and the time), I don’t want to stab my eyes out from boredom, I want to make enough to get by and even save something (again, I want to travel), I want time to write, I want time to do fun things… so my mind keeps coming back to the educational world. Decent money, time off for holidays (Spring Break, Summer Vacation, Winter Break – yes, please), usually pretty entertaining (certainly never dull), and if I find the right capacity, time to do all the other stuff.

Look, I didn’t leave the teaching profession because I hated it. Quite the contrary… I really loved it (more on that in Part 2). But everything else in my life was suffering for it. I was in a place I didn’t want to be and in a life I didn’t want to have. My job couldn’t be the ONLY thing keeping me happy. So I made a major change by moving across the country. I found the personal happiness I had been looking for… so perhaps it’s time to seek a little professional happiness.

I really don’t want to be defined by what I do for a living. I still want to get out and see the world… and I think that by either going back to teaching, or just the educational world in general, I just might get some (or ALL) of those things that I want.

 

Blog song title: “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen
Photo Credit: someecards.com

 


%d bloggers like this: