Author Archives: Quincey Trigillo

About Quincey Trigillo

A little over three years ago, I moved from the confines of Orange County, California to take a bite out of the Big Apple. Every day is an adventure and this is where I will attempt to write about it all. I love sports and Star Wars and Doctor Who and rock music and New York and traveling and being outdoors... and other stuff.

Gotta keep your heads up… gotta keep your feet down…

I’m still dealing with my breakup. I mean, of course I am.

We’ve had some… “relapses.” We’ve pretty much stayed in contact and it’s been very friendly – which makes sense because at the root of it all, we are great friends. But some of our communication has been, well, reaaaallly friendly. We’ve begun to blur the lines and while I love how it feels, I know it’s wrong and I have been left more confused than ever.

I have been pretty devastated through all this. Seeing him again and being back in contact makes me feel better. But I’ve been kidding myself. Getting just scraps of what I really want is fine for the moment, but it’s not going to last and it’s setting me up to feel even worse.

I had a moment this week where I realized I would never be to him what he is to me. And drunkenly told him this. I know he cares about me and has fun with me… but if I were enough for him, there would be no question. He would be with me. And the more I casually hang around him, the more I lose hope.

So, we’re going to take some time and space (which was kind of the original plan). And this sucks. I feel like crap. I feel hopeless. I’m back to devastated. But here’s the thing. I process things fairly quickly. I’ll admit that back when he broke things off before, I was out of my mind. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so brokenhearted. But within a week or 2 things were better. I wasn’t crying uncontrollably and I was keeping myself busy and feeling positive about the future.

Thinking about sitting at home this evening made me almost sick to my stomach. I could sit here and stew in my misery. Or I could go out and cry in my beer with a friend. Or I can just go out on my own and enjoy myself. Going for option C.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll find someone like him any time soon – or ever. I just don’t know. But I need to be ok with that. And throw all this energy into positive things… like writing… and training for my half marathon… and fostering old and new friendships.

I know many of you who read have experienced similar situations… what worked for you? Any great stories? I’d love to hear in the comments!

Blog song title: “Keep Your Head Up” by Cults


When it’s over…

I got dumped last night.

We’d only been together for a few short months, but he was amazing. We were amazing. Sure, we had some troubles – nothing is perfect. But he made me happy… happier than I have been in a long time.

I’m not going to get into the details… the whys, the hows. I’ll just say that it was pretty amicable. It was less a break up and more a parting of ways. And only when I hugged him as we said goodbye did I realize it was over. That was when the tears came.

I have to tell you, walking 4 blocks down 14th Street in New York while crying is a pretty surreal feeling. Or maybe just the fact that this relationship that made me so happy was over was the surreal part. But as I walked, and cried, I had about a million thoughts go through my head.

I wasn’t angry – how could I be? He didn’t do anything bad. I was filled with regret. What could I have said? What could I have done? And then I started to think about all the things we never did together… we didn’t watch Star Wars, we didn’t play softball, we didn’t take a trip, we didn’t go dancing, we didn’t spend the whole weekend just lost in bed and each other.

Right now I’m missing this incredible person that I got to know and adore the last few months. It hasn’t been 24 hours but I miss him. I miss seeing him. I miss having drinks with him. I miss riding the subway with him and playing 2048 on my phone to make the ride go faster. I miss talking to him about baseball and New York and surfers vs. snowboarders and Taco Bell and basketball standings and Star Wars theories and female street harassment and Batman/Superman theories and music and California and writing and sex and people and dogs and whatever the fuck else we want to talk about. He’s been my favorite person to be around these past few months. And he’s the only one I want to talk to about this.

I’ve had this incredible urge to fight for him. I want to demand that he give us another chance. Neither of us did anything wrong. Our relationship wasn’t broken. He just had doubts and I have to respect that.  I’m reminded of that old “if you love someone, set them free” saying. Now I never threw the L word out there with him, but I think the concept applies here. As much as it hurts, I have to let him go.

 

 

Blog song title: That stupid Sugar Ray song… and I don’t feel like looking it up… forgive me.


36 Before 36

A week ago, I turned 35. I didn’t accomplish much on my list and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I also don’t quite know how I feel about 35.

My 30s have definitely been quite amazing… what “they” say is turning out to be true. But now that I’m officially in my mid-30s, I’m trying not to let it bother me. Am I where I thought I would be? Absolutely not. However, in the last couple of years, I have learned that comparing myself to others (or even my own standards) is useless and unnecessary. Still… it feels strange.

I’m not entirely sure why I didn’t put more of a focus on this list this year. For part of the year, I was looking for a partner in crime of sorts; hoping that I’d have a gentleman to accompany me on some of these adventures. But then I had a revelation this spring and decided that there’s nothing wrong with doing these things alone.

Part of why I started doing this list is to encourage me to do things I wouldn’t normally do. This is something I think I have lost sight of. And I have to say, though I didn’t accomplish all the tasks, I certainly feel that I am enjoying my life the way I want to.

So, for my list this year, I removed some items that I have lost interest in. Also, I’m not going to be discouraged by the items I imagined being done in the company of others. If I want to do it, I’m going to just do it. The first 23 are leftover from the previous lists… the remaining items are the new ones. Here’s to 36!

1) Travel abroad
2) Go to drag bingo
3) Take a class
4) Go to the famous sites in Central Park
5) Take a boat ride in Central Park
6) Go to Atlantic City
7) Go to a Giants game
8) Learn how to knit
9) Take an unusual fitness class
10) Go to a live taping
11) Go skiing
12) Try Ethiopian food
13) Take an improv class
14) Go to the ballet
15) Go to the symphony in Central Park
16) Take a cooking class
17) Volunteer
18) Take a dance class
19) Go ice skating in Central Park
20) Go to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show
21) Go camping
22) Take an art class
23) Go on a day trip outside of the city

24) Run a half marathon
Yes, this is a cheater item. I have already signed up for one in January. Though I haven’t been running as much as I was a few months ago, I am running a 10-mile next weekend… and I’d like to get back into the process.

25) Go apple picking
I have done this in upstate New York, but I would love to do it a bit closer to the city and perhaps with some friends who have never been.

26) Go wine tasting on Long Island
I do love wine tasting and I have heard there are some great places within a couple of hours of here.

27) Go to the Cloisters
This is way too close to where I live to not go.

28) See a movie at Film Forum, the Angelika, or Paris (or all three)
I don’t often go to the movies, but these are some pretty cool places (or so I’ve heard) to see some more obscure films. Seems like fun.

29) Go on a literary pub crawl
I did one in Scotland and it was a blast. I know of a couple here in the city and that’s pretty much right up my alley.

30) Go on a tour bus in NYC
I know this seems silly and super touristy, but the idea is to be able to see the city from a different perspective. It’s one thing to walk around and see the sites… but I think it would be fun to sit back and take the time to see everything.

31) Join a social sports team as a free agent
I have been playing with the same softball team for the last couple of years, and I’m about to play soccer with some friends… but I think it would be fun to join a random team to meet new people. Bowling or kickball or whatever. Especially during the cold months!

32) Go to the Bronx and Central Park Zoos
I don’t LOVE zoos, but I hear these are pretty awesome – and easy to get to.

33) Go site seeing in Philadelphia
I took a spontaneous trip to Philly with my friend Chrissy to see a Mariners/Phillies game. And while we did walk around a bit, we were pretty much there just for the game. It was a great city and I’d love to spend some quality time there.

34) Attend Drunk Shakespeare
This is more than completely up my alley. Drunk actors performing Shakespeare. YES.

35) Go to a baseball game outside of New York
I have been fortunate to have been to a lot of ballparks in the US, but I’d like to keep that challenge going. Maybe Baltimore? DC? Boston?

36) Perform at an open mic
This has been on my silent to-do list for most of my life. Maybe by putting it in this list, I will actually be held accountable. Wish me luck.

 

Here’s what I was able to do before 35… not a grand list, but I had a blast with all of them… and I even did a few things I didn’t plan for… a movie in Bryant Park, a visit to Philadelphia, a visit to Charlottesville, VA, a couple of shows (solo), a 10K, a women’s baseball clinic at Citi Field, and MANY new friends were made. A good year, I must say.

Run a 5K*
Go to roller derby*
Participate in a Hash*
Go see a cabaret show*
Go to Coney Island
Get a new tattoo
Visit a new city in the US
Go on a spontaneous outing


Don’t stop now, just be the champion…

I’m a runner.

Well, not quite yet, but I’m getting there.

I had an item on my 35 before 35 list that had carried over from the previous year’s list: run a 5K. I can’t remember exactly why I chose this but it was there and had a good chance of sticking around for yet another year. Thankfully, I have many runner friends, and one in particular who decided he was going to help me to get this goal accomplished.

He found us a 4 mile run through New York Road Runners and I signed up. Yes, this was more than the 5K I had in mind, but I didn’t think much of it. I got some new Nikes and joined a gym to begin training. My goal was to run the entire 4 miles… no walking, no stopping. A grand feat considering the last time I ran was to chase a kid who stole my phone.

Unfortunately, right after I signed up, the weather turned ugly. And stayed ugly. I was not motivated to leave the house unless absolutely necessary – and running, in my book, was not necessary.

The run was quickly approaching and I wasn’t ready. I kept hearing (from others and from my internal monologue) that it was “just 4 miles” and that it “wasn’t a big deal.” And that was keeping me motivated, for the most part. Until I went to pick up my Run for the Parks t-shirt and saw this:

Shit just got real.

Shit just got real.

I didn’t know I had to wear a bib for this!!! Again, it was just 4 miles. But somehow this made it feel like a bigger deal. It was real. And it was fast approaching.

The night before the race (yes, this is what I started calling it after the whole bib thing), I went home early and attempted to get a good night’s rest. Which I did. For the most part. I was excited to run but I was nervous. People kept telling me not to be too hard on myself or feel let down if I had to walk or even stop. I kept telling myself that this was my first time and if I enjoyed it enough there would be more. This took the pressure off a bit.

I got up bright and early and met my friend at the corrals. I was obviously in one of the last corrals because I’m slow as balls, but I told my friend that he definitely didn’t have to keep pace with me (he’s a REAL runner and I didn’t want to hinder his personal goals). And 10 minutes after the fast people up front had crossed the start, I was on my way.

Many thousands of people were in front of me. But I was really ok with that.

Many thousands of people were in front of me. But I was really ok with that.

It was a chilly but gorgeous morning in Central Park and as I started the first mile I was encouraged by the scenery. The Guggenheim to the right, the Reservoir to the left. Oh, and look! it’s the North Meadow softball fields where I spend every Saturday from April to August. I was also encouraged by the people. Not only were volunteers cheering us along the route, but the pack of people running together felt like a community in a way I wasn’t expecting.

Something in me just kept going. I am quite stubborn (or strong-willed if you would like to put a positive spin on it) and despite the advice about not being too hard on myself, I did have a goal in mind. My body didn’t hurt too bad and I was keeping my breathing under control. Pretty soon I was another mile down… and then another… and then I was in the home stretch. I had been keeping a steady pace the whole time, but then Britney Spears’s “Work Bitch” came on in my earbuds and I could’t hold back- I was either going to stop on the spot and break it down club-style, or run like I was on fire. I picked up the pace and managed to cross the finish line at 46:26 with a pace of 11:37 per mile. Not the best, but I’m proud of myself.

Sweet victory... well, MY victory at least.

Sweet victory… well, MY victory at least.

I set a goal to run a 5K and I ended up running a longer race, AND managed to do it without stopping. Even better than that, I’m motivated to keep going. I have signed up for a 10K in June and I’d love to do a half marathon before the year ends. I have even been going for runs on my own… like, for fun and exercise. Whaaaa? Looks like I definitely drank the runner Kool-Aid.

Blog song title: “Work Bitch” by Britney Spears (seriously, put this jam on your workout/running mix… guaranteed motivator)
Photo credit: Yours Truly


I can go… with the flow…

I moved around a lot as a kid. By the time I was in 6th grade, I lived in 6 different cities. After high school I moved over 14 times, including a 3 month period of crashing on couches and floors.

You learn a lot when you move. From a young age, I learned how to adapt quickly and let go of attachments. I was always well-liked, so I never had trouble making friends but I struggled with laying roots. I was always jealous of my peers who had friendships that started at birth because most of my friendships were new and only lasted until I moved again.  And because of this, I never feel fully grounded. To this day, everything feels temporary. Relationships, apartments, jobs… nothing feels like it can last forever.

A strange side effect of this seemingly perpetual motion is that I go along with things very easily. Some may call this “being flexible.”

Most people may say that it’s a good thing to be so flexible. Though some may perceive me as high strung, I can roll with the punches. Since I have spent most of my life adapting to new situations I don’t freak out when routines change, and last minute alterations don’t faze me a bit.  But the problem is that I am never satisfied. I never get what I truly desire. I have gone along with the agendas of others for so long, that I tend to put myself last. And what’s worse is that I’m afraid to speak up for what I want for fear of sounding too needy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I never do anything I don’t want to do. I never do anything I’m uncomfortable with or that I regret. But lately I’ve grown a bit tired of just going with the flow.

Clearly a big step in fighting against this tide was my relocation to New York a couple of years ago. My complacency put me in such a state of unhappiness that I decided to shake things up. And shake things up I did. I restarted just about everything in my life. I wasn’t following anyone else’s script. I was making my own path. And this has truly made me very happy. And still does.

But then there’s the dating dilemma. I have had many guys come in and out of my life since I moved here. And it’s been fun. This is the first time I ever dated casually. However, more than once I’ve found myself falling a bit for someone and wanting more, but they didn’t want the same thing. So, I end up settling for what they want… which is really just a fraction of what I actually want.

I suppose the idea here is that I’m flexible… I can be whoever I need to be for that particular person. But I know what you’re thinking: grow a backbone and don’t settle for anything less than what you want. It’s not as easy for me. I’ve had this concept burned into my brain forever- that if I actually say what I want and fight for it that I will be seen as needy or high maintenance. I worry that if I speak up, I’ll just end up with nothing at all.

I took a big risk coming to New York. I had no job, no apartment, no friends… but I stuck to my guns and have managed to do quite well for myself here. I have new goals all the time and I’m inspired and encouraged by the city and all the wonderful people I’ve met here. I didn’t back down and settle… I went for it.

They say fortune favors the bold. If I was able to risk everything to move myself across the country, surely I can fight for what I want out of a relationship. Even if I risk losing someone I care about in the process. Easy to say, but much harder (for me) to do. Stay tuned.

Blog song title: “Go With the Flow” by Queens of the Stone Age


If you build yourself a myth, you know just what to give…

I think we’ve figured out by now that I’m a pretty honest person. The problem is that other people aren’t very honest.

This is a frustrating phenomenon in my world these days. Particularly when it comes to dating. I dated someone a while back who used to say really great things to me… sweet things… things that made me feel special… things I hadn’t heard from a guy in a long time. The problem is that when things went south, I mentioned those things he said. I wondered how we seemed to connect but then it faded so fast. He said, and I kid you not, that he said those things to me because that’s what he thought I wanted to hear.

Just last weekend I was talking to one of my guy friends about this. He said he tells girls what he thinks they want to hear all the time. And of course, I flew into a mini-rage.

What makes this ok?

Here’s what these things do (at least to me, I can’t speak for everyone)… they create expectations where expectations didn’t previously exist. I was perfectly happy just hanging out with this guy and going on random dates. But when he started saying wonderful things to me, I began to see possibility. It wasn’t the first thing on my mind but then a seed was planted.

I have an analogy about this. Bear with me.

I’m a bunny. I’m a happy, little bunny just living a happy, bunny life. I meet a nice human. I enjoy the human. The human gives me some attention and I give the human my attention back. It’s a nice and simple exchange. But then, what’s this? The human pulls out a carrot. Well, I was fine with the human attention but now there’s a CARROT in the mix. I didn’t even know that carrots existed. And oh man, now I WANT THAT CARROT. But the human is just holding it there, not actually letting me have it. I wouldn’t have been totally fine just having that simple bunny-human connection but now I know that carrots exist and the human has them and he’s just dangling them because… I don’t know. And now I’m confused.

I can’t seem to get a straight answer from my gentleman friends. One said that he’d say anything to a girl to sleep with her. I said that I’ve heard these types of things outside the context of sex (like, one time a guy said something totally perfect as we were walking down the street as he smiled and then held my hand – what the fuck). Another said that he felt things in the moment but then they faded. OK, so hold your damn tongue. I mean, I have been around guys and want to say how I feel, but I hold back because it’s not appropriate at that particular stage of the relationship. If the tables were turned, and I said some of the things that have been said to me, I would be seen as clingy and desperate. So why is it ok for guys to say these things?

I always talk about the importance of words; the weight they can carry. I don’t take things lightly… because I don’t say or do things lightly. I do things with purpose and meaning. So, I guess I expect the same in return. This type of thing has made dating really hard for me. I tend to keep guys at arm’s length, but the second they dangle that carrot, I fall. It doesn’t happen often and maybe that’s why I fall so easily, but either way it sucks.

So, gentlemen, please give me your input. Have you ever found yourself saying fairly serious things to a girl without the intention of actually being serious with her? If you have, were you aware of the implications of what you said? How did you deal with the aftermath (assuming there was any)? I am asking honestly because I really, really want to know.

Blog song title: “Myth” by Beach House


Peace of mind… heaven knows you give me mine…

I had promised to write about this a while ago… but if you read my previous post you would know that I’ve suffered a bit of writer’s block lately.

So, right after I made my 35 before 35 list, I was able to cross something off:

2. Get a new tattoo

I had wanted to get something while I was traveling. Nothing special, but it would be a good story nonetheless. So, when I made it to London at the end of my 3 week European adventure, I sought out a tattoo parlor at which I would be branded with something random to serve as a memento of the trip. I was thinking of a Doctor Who tattoo that I had wanted (“Allons-y” for all you Whovians out there). But then the time came to get it done… and suddenly I felt the need to make it more meaningful.

Earlier that day I was aimlessly wandering around London… I found myself crossing the Waterloo Bridge and looking to my right I saw Big Ben… and I was smacked in the face with emotion. I started crying. Happy, overwhelmed tears.

I was at the tail end of my trip… a trip I had been determined to make. A trip for which I worked my ass off… and did all by myself. It’s still hard for me to fully articulate. It was a moment where I felt the very definition of strong and independent. I felt so tiny in the world and yet incredibly powerful. I learned about myself. I changed. I grew. And all at once, it hit me.

Back at my hostel, I brainstormed with a couple of people for tattoo designs. I casually mentioned this story and it seemed obvious what the tattoo design would be: a bridge. Bridges are symbolic of strength and transition… a joining of two sides. I think this was pretty representative of this trip.

So, I made a very last minute appointment with a tattoo artist recommended by one of the hostel workers. I told him I wanted a bridge on my wrist and a couple of hours later I was sitting in the parlor while Jake, my artist, sketched something up. I wanted something small and simple. And this was the sketch:

The outline...

Placement of the outline… am I really doing this?!

When he showed me the sketch I thought it was too big… was I ready for something like this? And then he mentioned color. Now, I already have a couple of small tattoos. They are fairly hidden and are black and grey. Color was not something I wanted. But I let Jake convince me. Why the hell not? Go big and all that, right?

And just like the other tattoos I have, there was a moment of absolute doubt and hesitation in the seconds before the first needle touched my skin. This is forever after all. But then he started… and there was no going back.

I just kept remembering why I was getting this… what it meant and how it will always serve as a reminder of my time spent abroad. The friends I made… the lessons I learned… the strength I gained. And when it was all over…

IMG_2917

The finished product…

Aside from the constant questioning regarding its geographic significance (it’s just a bridge… it’s not the Golden Gate or the Bay Bridge… or the Brooklyn Bridge), I LOVE IT. I love looking down at it and knowing what it means to me.

Even now when I doubt myself, I can look down at my wrist and I know what I’m capable of: anything

Blog song title: “Gone” by Vacationer (this was the song playing while I was on the bridge… the lyrics don’t necessarily match the mood… but when I hear the song, I still remember that feeling I had on the bridge that day)


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