I recently made a big step in my romantic life. It may not be a big deal to any of you, but to me, it was giant and cathartic: I deleted someone’s number from my phone.
I’m not going to get into the whole story here – I’m tired of giving power to the situation (and consequently, him). But needless to say, I had a bad case of feels for this boy. Reader’s Digest version: he came on strong at the start, I went with the flow but then fell harder than I intended, he left the country, he let things linger, he came back with a girlfriend, he continued to sleep with me (and at times even acted like we were dating), he accused me of wanting more, he said super shitty things, we didn’t talk for weeks and then we met for drinks and I realized I was completely over him. This all started last December and it ended in May.
I’m not sure how I got so hung up on him after all of this, but I couldn’t put him totally out of my mind. My ego was bruised… I was rejected… even if I didn’t want him anymore I still wanted to be the one that was picked. I wanted to win. So when I saw him for what ended up being the last time I was relieved that I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Despite the protests from friends, I decided it would be ok to remain friendly with him. And this point I really must stress… the last time we got drinks (early May) I seriously felt nothing for him. I didn’t even think he was cute anymore. No joke.
So when I called him to grab lunch one day a couple of weeks later and he bailed last minute I gave him a bit of shit… as I would do to any friend. He copped quite the attitude (I literally laughed out loud at a couple of the things he said because it came totally out of left field)… things escalated (all via text) and he ended up “dumping” me as a friend- said some more super shitty things and then blocked me on Facebook… like a grown up.
This irked me in a way I wasn’t really prepared for. It’s one thing to tell me I wasn’t his type (true story)… but to cut me out like that just felt like an overreaction… and an unnecessary one at that. It was hurtful. For a couple of weeks I vacillated between a few different emotions: relieved, angry, frustrated, vengeful, regretful, elated. But for some reason, I kept his number in my phone… I have no idea why. It was one thing for him to not want to date me – that I can get over easily – but to not want to be my friend anymore? It felt not ok.
And then I had a moment of weakness. I sent him a random late night (drunk) text. It was pretty innocuous… but I did it. And I was very angry with myself.
From the time where we weren’t talking until the recent present, there have been a slew of men in my life. Some a lot more casual than others… I was following the oh-so-wise “Sex and the City” advice of “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” Not the healthiest behavior… but in the process I’ve met some great guys and have been reminded that they aren’t all emotionally retarded sociopathic piss-ants. And while I’ve had a lot of fun, I’m still not satisfied in the romance department.
For a while now I’ve been lying to myself about what I want. Being able to “get” a bunch of guys can be empowering, but after a time it’s just frustrating and I’m left wanting more. And now that I know I want more, I’m not sure how ready I am to have it… but a major step in that direction is letting go of the past. So with one of my friends, at the 14th Street subway station, I unceremoniously deleted the contact info of the boy who had caused me unnecessary heartache and stress for far too long. I won’t say I felt better instantly, but it was definitely a relief.
The good news is that since I deleted him, I haven’t been so focused on finding more notches for my bedpost. I am now more concerned with quality over quantity. Whether or not I’m ready to receive the quality… well, that’s a whole other blog post. For now, I’m just focusing on me (oh therapy, you are awesome/awful) and surrounding myself with positive people (especially positive MEN)… and learning to put my phone down after I’ve had a couple of drinks.
Blog song title: “Bad” by U2 (yes, I am going back to the song titles… it’s my thing and I like it)
Photo Credit: Someecards.com