I’ve got a secret… well, I have a few. And this is a new concept to me.
As you can tell by my writing, I don’t have a problem sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings. I am like this in person too. I don’t hold back… if something is going on or if I feel a certain way, you are going to know it. I’ve always been something of an open book… but I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to close the cover for a while.
Recently, I was kind of seeing someone. We kept it quiet and it was nice… really nice. I liked having something special to myself. But then I got super excited about the whole thing and started spilling the beans to friends and even family… and then the whole thing got away from me. I still have no idea what really happened there, but I wish I had kept it all to myself… not that things would have gone differently, but then I wouldn’t have to deal with explaining things (that shouldn’t need explaining) to those around me. And maybe, just maybe, I could have kept my emotions in check.
I’m a pretty insecure person… and while I say that I don’t care what other people think… I clearly do. I feel hurt when judged and I put too much weight into the opinions of others. Like a terrible seed, these opinions get planted in my brain and then I can’t shake them. I end up over-analyzing things… and I lose my head. And more importantly, I lose my nerve.
I know me the best. I know what I want (or really, I know what I don’t want). And it’s time for me to trust that… and to do that, I’m going to start keeping some things to myself.
Blog song title: “Dirty Little Secret” by The All-American Rejects