I’ve spent the majority of my life doing what I think I’m supposed to do. Go to college, get a job, get a career, pay the bills (anyone else hearing Renton’s speech from Trainspotting here?)… But did I actually WANT to do any of that?
While my relocation to NYC was largely about me grabbing life by the balls, I still find myself unsatisfied in a way I am just now figuring out. Here I am, for example, sitting at “work” and desperately combing the internet for something interesting to read. And every second that passes is wasted…
I wouldn’t say I am afraid of dying (yes, it just went there)… it’s not something that haunts my thoughts every day. But, obviously, I don’t want to shuffle off this mortal coil without having accomplished a few things. I keep seeing stories on Facebook of old classmates who have passed away suddenly, or of people whose parents have died in their sleep, or calls for prayers for friends with cancer or other terrible afflictions. All constant reminders that LIFE IS CRAZY FUCKING SHORT.
I have a friend who is currently out travelling and before he left we had a conversation where I expressed this idea (on a very surface level)… and he very simply said something to the effect of, “all the more reason to go do these things you want to do.” It was simple and to the point… and for some reason, that conversation hasn’t left my brain. For a smart person, I can be really stupid about a lot of things (see any of my previous posts about boys)… and while I say I want to live my life to the fullest, I’m not sure I’ve really understood what that means until recently. And I really have this friend to thank for somehow getting it to sink in.
I know what I don’t want… I don’t want marriage/kids/house/soul-sucking career. These are not the things I strive for or that will make me feel fulfilled in life. So what do I want? I want to go everywhere. Seriously. I want to meet people. I want to speak languages. I want to eat food. I want to laugh and learn and walk and see and DO. And I always have… but now I’m actually feeling the pressure to GO.
I used to think my wanderlust stemmed from the fact that I moved around a lot as a kid and I never felt fully grounded anywhere. But maybe it’s a result of never feeling satisfied in general… New York is great for this because there is so much to see and do here… but it’s not enough. I could get hit by a cab on my way home to work and I will have never been to Europe… or Asia… or Africa… or South America… or Australia…
The wheels are spinning… my brain is on overdrive… ideas are forming… I’m not going to say what I have in mind because I really don’t want anyone pissing on my cornflakes. But I’m getting out sooner than later… I’m not going to put this off.
Blog title song: “Go Outside” by Cults