Welp, I’m hanging up the online dating hat.
After too many unsuccessful dates, I’ve decided it’s just not for me. I can’t do the “get to know all about you before I meet you in person” thing. It’s just too weird for me. I know it works for lots of people… I’m just not one of them.
I’m definitely better in person. I’m really best when I have friends around. A friend of mine just told me that the reason he hit it off with someone (who I introduced him to – with no intention of setting them up) was because I was there and he was just being his total authentic self. I’m totally the same way.
I know I’ve said how I’m not sure what I want right now… and that’s still mostly true… but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to have somebody in my life. I think it’s total human nature to want to share yourself with someone. While I still can’t say specifically what I’m looking for, I know that I miss being close to someone. (And no, sex doesn’t even factor in here… that’s the easy part… it’s everything else that is presenting a challenge).
So here’s my problem… and I’m going to say the thing women are never supposed to say… I’m desperate for that closeness. And it shows. Any and every single guy I come into contact with becomes potential boyfriend material. And I don’t know how to make that stop. I find myself being inauthentic -saying stupid things or worse, TEXTING stupid things (I should not be allowed to have a phone). And I hate it.
But then when I really think about it I start to wonder whether or not those guys actually are RIGHT for me in the first place. I don’t know why but I seem to have this “last man on earth” mentality going. Why do I need to assume that every guy is a possibility?
Because I’ve been trained to. That whole idea of “you never know” is making me a little over anxious. If I never take a chance I’ll never know… right? Well, why do I keep feeling compelled to take a chance with EVERYONE?! All it’s doing is making me feel stupid and defeated. And once again, I’m not entirely sure what I want… so it doesn’t even make sense to feel this way- to want something just for the sake of having something.
Look, I know I’m awesome. I know I have a lot to give. But for some reason I can’t help but turn into a spastic and annoying freak when it comes to guys. I just need to stop focusing my energy on finding one (so hard when there are so many cute ones out there). I need to go out, have fun, enjoy the company of others, be my authentic self… and stay away from my phone.
Photo credit: thestuddedtruth.wordpress.com (I realize this photo has nothing to do with the topic of my blog… but man, do I like looking at it… and by “it” I mean Ryan Gosling, shirtless)
Title song: “What You Want” by Two Door Cinema Club